And when I reminded him of how we had talked and he had said things like "no I don't feel like being around you right now and I have a right to feel that way!" Or how he had literally and physically pushed me away...he didn't remember any of it. He said things like "really? I don't remember that!" Or "its too bad that his mutual misunderstanding made us both so upset."
And suddenly, it was all my fault...and I don't want to fight...so I smile and nod and just hope it all goes away.
But the thing is....I still feel this distance. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and that the slightest thing will set him off. So I work hard at making dinners and smiling and offering to do things for him...to help him and to not ask anything of him...
And for a few days...it's worked...it's been alright.
...until I made a mistake. And I asked something of him. And it seems like such a small thing....and there he is sitting on the couch playing video games but he "never has enough time for the art that he actually wants to do so why should he do crappy art that he doesn't want to do." And I'm like....really? I'm sorry! You could just say no. I'd rather you say no than for you to get all pissed off and say yes and then lecture me for 20 minutes about why you have to say yes but you want to say no.
And all I can think is how I never ask anything of him. I don't even ask him to put away his own clean laundry. I don't ask him to do dishes or to make dinner or to take the trash out. I don't even ask him to put sheets on the bed. He takes care of his garden, he waters the lawn, and on Saturdays, he mows it. He bikes to work and bikes home, plays video games and eats dinner and sometimes watches a movie. And yet I feel him judging me when I sit. I hear the snide tone in his voice when he asks if I washed any clothes that day.
And I become bitter when he tells me what I should be doing and how he will support me in doing it because I know he's lying. I'm not firing the babysitter because I know that regardless of what he says, he will never be home in time to watch the kids. I know that I can't take that last class to get my degree because he will never help out enough so that I have time to do the homework. Maybe he doesn't know it...but I know from my experience that his words and his promises are hollow.
I suppose that this is the crutch of addiction....he is so deep in it that he doesn't know which way is up. He's so absorbed it in that he can't be absorbed in anything else.
Man cannot serve two masters. Else he will love the one and despise the other. I feel like when he's trying...he's trying....but he's trying not to hate me. And he can't really love me until he stops loving his addiction.
Until then...I'll be walking on egg shells.
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