Dark and Twisty

I'm trying to accept that I don't trust my husband without holding it against him. It's a fine line to balance, and I'm not very good at it. I slip and fall almost constantly. I find myself judging him and even attacking him. I've never felt so conflicted in my life. Love and the survival instinct are at odds, and it is affecting all of my relationships. I've felt myself pull away from my sons and I'm dredging up anger toward my mother. I feel dark and distant from the world. And I'm okay with it....but I have this nagging intellectual intuition that even if I feel okay...even if it's what I want....to be sheltered and safe and isolated....it's probably not what's best. There's probably something better.

At the very end of Grey's Anatomy, Amelia says, "I think I'm falling in love....and I'm afraid that it will destroy me." Derek replies, "it wouldn't be love if it didn't." I think that love has the ability to destroy and to create. In The Sword and the Stone, Merlin says that love is the greatest power in all the world....greater than any magic. Greater than gravity. I think we fear the destructive power of love because standing in the rubble of your own life, you innermost emotions raw and exposed, leaves us completel vulnerable. But we need to tear down walls to build them. We need to be broken in order for Christ to heal us. 

I'm so scared. My deepest darkest self is huddled in a corner. I'm afraid of living with this pain and sin and darkness for the rest of my life. I'm afraid of him getting tired of me asking him to change and him walking away. I'm afraid he will change and realize that he can do better than me...because I'm am scared and prideful and stubborn and foolish. I'm afraid that he will refuse to move forward....decide it isn't worth the fight...decide I'm not worth it. I'm afraid of what that would mean. I'm afraid of the possibilities. I'm afraid for him and for me and for us. I'm afraid for my children. 

This is the dark and twisty part of me that I try to suppress....that I hide and try to ignore. This is the part of me that I protect with my walls and my isolation....that terrified little part of me....but I need to learn to let it go....expose it...break it...and let Christ heal it....

The opposite of fear is love. Love can destroy me.

Answers

I felt compelled to read my scriptures tonight, although I generally justify skipping scripture study most Sunday nights (we get scripture study all day in church!). And this was what was waiting for me as I opened up to my book mark:

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

2 Nephi 4:24-30, 34-35 (emphasis added)

http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/4?lang=eng

The Big Question

Tonight, I asked Jonah if he felt like he is temple worthy. He asked in reply, "what do you mean?" 

I wasn't expecting to have to explain myself. It's a pretty straightforward question, in my opinion. Do you feel worthy to enter God's house and perform ordinances? Yes or no? 

But that's not what I said. I said, "a couple of weeks ago, I asked you to go to the temple with me. You said that you didn't feel like that was a place you could be. You have looked at porn twice since then. Do you feel like you are worthy to go to the temple?"

I didn't mean for it to come off the way it did. I didn't mean to be argumentative or accusatory or vicious. I guess it did come off that way, though, so maybe I don't blame him so much for getting angry and defensive. 

He asked why I was asking this. And I told him that if he isn't temple worthy then he isn't worthy to baptize our son. And his reply was "well, thanks for the heads up."

I apologized and tried to explain myself better. And then he said, "well, I guess whatever is meant to happen will happen."

And for the first time in my life, I wondered if this is the first step toward the end of my marriage.

I love him. But I was promised a temple marriage. I was promised certain things. And those things: trust, fidelity, love, compassion, respect....they are important. I need them. I need a husband who is worthy to officiate in the office of the priesthood to which he is ordained, and I'm not sure how much I'm willing to tolerate. I've never allowed myself to really ask or answer that question.

I love him. But I'm not comfortable with the path down which complacency leads. 

And he sits next to me on the bed....I can feel him seething. I can feel his contempt for me. I know in my heart that at least part of that is anger at himself. But then it manifests in avoidance as he plays a video game and avoids eye contact and refuses to speak. And he yells that I'm the one getting angry...when in truth I'm being defensive and scared. 

I'm trying to start a discussion and I've done it all wrong. And I'm not sure what's snapped in him...but it's affecting his desire to care. And the consequences of not caring could be dire. He could lose his job or sink further into the addiction.

I didn't sign up for this. I was promised a happily ever after. Nothing has turned out the way that it was supposed to. And I'm left alone, again, struggling to pick up the pieces of all of the broken dreams. 

Again and Again and Again

I vaguely remember seeing a movie when I was a kid. I think it was one of those National Lampoon's movies with Chevy Chase. I don't remember anything about the movie except them driving in Europe and ending up stuck in a round-about. Around and around they went, unable to merge over to take one of the exits out, and having no idea which exit to take even if they could get over. 

That's how I feel right now. Like I'm circling the roundabout without the knowledge of where to go or how to get there. I feel stuck. I feel sad. I feel frustrated and angry and annoyed.

Jonah slipped. Again. And this time it scared me in a couple of new ways.

First, I realized that forgiveness and empathy means on a certain level that I've accepted that this is in my marriage. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to say that...I'm not ready to say that I would want to stay married if I knew that this would be a part of my marriage for the next 10 years. I'm not ready to say that I wouldn't stay married if that were the future, either. But I've accepted that this is the risk. 

Second, I've realized that boundaries and rules and helps have done little but to back him into a corner. And the farther back into the corner he goes, the more desperate and depraved his addiction becomes. The first slip was while I was at a church function and he was supposed to be watching the kids. In stead of watching the kids, he was looking at porn. And the second slip was whole I was out of town. He volunteered to stay at a friends house who is aware of his issue. So since he had no access there, he accessed it at work. Moron. I am literally powerless. Even when he asks me to push, even when he willingly submits to the barriers, all it can do is push him further into the depths of addiction. 

And I feel like I'm married to a child because like my kids that whine about being bored, he has an excuse for every suggestion. And he defends himself, although I'm sure he doesn't mean to. And he clings to it, though he won't acknowledge that he does. 

And I wonder how many barriers it will take to drive him to a strip club or to sex with another woman.

As a member of the LDS faith, this weekend is our semi-annual general conference, where the general leadership of the church offers council and encouragement. And it's supposed to be kind of an exciting time...a somewhat rare opportunity to listen to our leaders speak to us the in the inspired words from the Lord would have us hear. And I'm so frustrated because he isn't listening. He isn't even making an effort at this point. And I think that he is setting an awful example for our children. And it irritates and frustrates me....not because of how it might affect my kids...but because the more he distanced himself from God and His gospel, the less hope there is for us to escape the cul de sac.