The Big Question

Tonight, I asked Jonah if he felt like he is temple worthy. He asked in reply, "what do you mean?" 

I wasn't expecting to have to explain myself. It's a pretty straightforward question, in my opinion. Do you feel worthy to enter God's house and perform ordinances? Yes or no? 

But that's not what I said. I said, "a couple of weeks ago, I asked you to go to the temple with me. You said that you didn't feel like that was a place you could be. You have looked at porn twice since then. Do you feel like you are worthy to go to the temple?"

I didn't mean for it to come off the way it did. I didn't mean to be argumentative or accusatory or vicious. I guess it did come off that way, though, so maybe I don't blame him so much for getting angry and defensive. 

He asked why I was asking this. And I told him that if he isn't temple worthy then he isn't worthy to baptize our son. And his reply was "well, thanks for the heads up."

I apologized and tried to explain myself better. And then he said, "well, I guess whatever is meant to happen will happen."

And for the first time in my life, I wondered if this is the first step toward the end of my marriage.

I love him. But I was promised a temple marriage. I was promised certain things. And those things: trust, fidelity, love, compassion, respect....they are important. I need them. I need a husband who is worthy to officiate in the office of the priesthood to which he is ordained, and I'm not sure how much I'm willing to tolerate. I've never allowed myself to really ask or answer that question.

I love him. But I'm not comfortable with the path down which complacency leads. 

And he sits next to me on the bed....I can feel him seething. I can feel his contempt for me. I know in my heart that at least part of that is anger at himself. But then it manifests in avoidance as he plays a video game and avoids eye contact and refuses to speak. And he yells that I'm the one getting angry...when in truth I'm being defensive and scared. 

I'm trying to start a discussion and I've done it all wrong. And I'm not sure what's snapped in him...but it's affecting his desire to care. And the consequences of not caring could be dire. He could lose his job or sink further into the addiction.

I didn't sign up for this. I was promised a happily ever after. Nothing has turned out the way that it was supposed to. And I'm left alone, again, struggling to pick up the pieces of all of the broken dreams.