Dark and Twisty

I'm trying to accept that I don't trust my husband without holding it against him. It's a fine line to balance, and I'm not very good at it. I slip and fall almost constantly. I find myself judging him and even attacking him. I've never felt so conflicted in my life. Love and the survival instinct are at odds, and it is affecting all of my relationships. I've felt myself pull away from my sons and I'm dredging up anger toward my mother. I feel dark and distant from the world. And I'm okay with it....but I have this nagging intellectual intuition that even if I feel okay...even if it's what I want....to be sheltered and safe and isolated....it's probably not what's best. There's probably something better.

At the very end of Grey's Anatomy, Amelia says, "I think I'm falling in love....and I'm afraid that it will destroy me." Derek replies, "it wouldn't be love if it didn't." I think that love has the ability to destroy and to create. In The Sword and the Stone, Merlin says that love is the greatest power in all the world....greater than any magic. Greater than gravity. I think we fear the destructive power of love because standing in the rubble of your own life, you innermost emotions raw and exposed, leaves us completel vulnerable. But we need to tear down walls to build them. We need to be broken in order for Christ to heal us. 

I'm so scared. My deepest darkest self is huddled in a corner. I'm afraid of living with this pain and sin and darkness for the rest of my life. I'm afraid of him getting tired of me asking him to change and him walking away. I'm afraid he will change and realize that he can do better than me...because I'm am scared and prideful and stubborn and foolish. I'm afraid that he will refuse to move forward....decide it isn't worth the fight...decide I'm not worth it. I'm afraid of what that would mean. I'm afraid of the possibilities. I'm afraid for him and for me and for us. I'm afraid for my children. 

This is the dark and twisty part of me that I try to suppress....that I hide and try to ignore. This is the part of me that I protect with my walls and my isolation....that terrified little part of me....but I need to learn to let it go....expose it...break it...and let Christ heal it....

The opposite of fear is love. Love can destroy me.