Again and Again and Again

I vaguely remember seeing a movie when I was a kid. I think it was one of those National Lampoon's movies with Chevy Chase. I don't remember anything about the movie except them driving in Europe and ending up stuck in a round-about. Around and around they went, unable to merge over to take one of the exits out, and having no idea which exit to take even if they could get over. 

That's how I feel right now. Like I'm circling the roundabout without the knowledge of where to go or how to get there. I feel stuck. I feel sad. I feel frustrated and angry and annoyed.

Jonah slipped. Again. And this time it scared me in a couple of new ways.

First, I realized that forgiveness and empathy means on a certain level that I've accepted that this is in my marriage. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to say that...I'm not ready to say that I would want to stay married if I knew that this would be a part of my marriage for the next 10 years. I'm not ready to say that I wouldn't stay married if that were the future, either. But I've accepted that this is the risk. 

Second, I've realized that boundaries and rules and helps have done little but to back him into a corner. And the farther back into the corner he goes, the more desperate and depraved his addiction becomes. The first slip was while I was at a church function and he was supposed to be watching the kids. In stead of watching the kids, he was looking at porn. And the second slip was whole I was out of town. He volunteered to stay at a friends house who is aware of his issue. So since he had no access there, he accessed it at work. Moron. I am literally powerless. Even when he asks me to push, even when he willingly submits to the barriers, all it can do is push him further into the depths of addiction. 

And I feel like I'm married to a child because like my kids that whine about being bored, he has an excuse for every suggestion. And he defends himself, although I'm sure he doesn't mean to. And he clings to it, though he won't acknowledge that he does. 

And I wonder how many barriers it will take to drive him to a strip club or to sex with another woman.

As a member of the LDS faith, this weekend is our semi-annual general conference, where the general leadership of the church offers council and encouragement. And it's supposed to be kind of an exciting time...a somewhat rare opportunity to listen to our leaders speak to us the in the inspired words from the Lord would have us hear. And I'm so frustrated because he isn't listening. He isn't even making an effort at this point. And I think that he is setting an awful example for our children. And it irritates and frustrates me....not because of how it might affect my kids...but because the more he distanced himself from God and His gospel, the less hope there is for us to escape the cul de sac.