Jittery Days

I'm proud of myself for not getting depressed. There were a few tears shed, but I pushed through and did my work and came out on the side of acceptance. 

The thing I hate most about these revelations is the distance between Jonah and I afterwards. And there is pride on my part that says that I didn't do anything wrong! He should be the one to reach out to me! I have a right to be hurt and annoyed, right?

He says he stays away because he thinks I don't want him to be there.....which really bugs me because I've never asked him to leave or to go away. I've never refused to talk to him for any reason at any time. I've always been completely open and maybe not completely welcoming but never unwelcoming. I don't know where he has ever gotten the idea that he couldn't come to me or hat I wouldn't want him to come to me. I love him. If I didn't love him, it wouldn't hurt me. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be here. And because I love him, I will always want him to be near me. I will always want him to come to me with his pain and his struggles and his joys. 

I want him to be better. I want to help him be the best that he can possibly be. Helping him become the best person that he can be is what I need to help me become the best person that I can be. We need to be together and work together and help each other as we work toward our eternal destiny. 

My issue now is, where do we go from here? I suppose it's another example of my naïveté andaybe even my pride. I'm desperately afraid of what happens now. He's not been formally disciplined by our church. I've never had cause to be formally disciplined by the church. Of course I've done my own repentence...tried to make up for my mistakes and prayed for the forgiveness from God and His help to make up for what I cannot.

I'm afraid for him that some sort of formal discipline will be put on him. I know how much that would pain him. It would hurt me, too. And again, I'm amazed at the amount of humility it takes to bring your sins to a priesthood leader....the humility it takes to ask for that kind of help when the real possibility of consequences is there. It's not even my sin and I'm terrified and reluctant and tempted to tell him not to confess...tempted to tell him to just work it out at home. But as I have told him a thousand times, that hasn't worked before....only pride and stupidity (insanity?) would pretend that the results would be different this time. 

I know what needs to be done. I only hope he does, too. And I hope it works....that real change can be made....that we'll be better for it.