The Abiding Shame

I feel like, for now at least, the worst of this whole situation is over. I only rarely have nightmares. We are more open and honest with one another. Jonah is actively reading self help books. In a way, I've retreated back to a place where I try to pretend it has never happened. 

But it has happened. The residue of his sin and confession are like a gory aftermath that stains and complicates our lives.

And I am further impressed with the humility and testimony of those who go through a repentence process with their bishop because I wasn't even the one to confess sin, and yet I feel so much shame. I can't look that man in the eye, that man who knows our deepest secrets....that man who is called as our judge in Israel. And poor Jonah fears him. Jonah fears being reprimanded for making a comment during and young men's lesson. He fears a knowing glance during a discussion on the law of chastity.

I fear that, in my weakness and sorrow and selfishness, I judged Jonah too harshly, and that the Bishop will use that as a reason to be harder on him in the future. I'm afraid of the pity that hides behind ever handshake and "good morning, sister Darlene!"

And all of these fears come from shame. 

I didn't realize how much shame I was feeling until the Bishop came to shake my hand at Women's conference. I couldn't look at him. I have him the weakest of wet fish handshakes and ran in the other direction. It was humiliating.

Someone said, on Sunday, that shame is not something God wants for us to feel. I think I believe him. I think shame and guilt are closely related. They are a form of sorrow for the consequences of our actions. They are a desire to hide the consequences and hide from the consequences. 

Godly sorrow is something different. I think it is the recognition that we were wrong, God was right, and we could have been happier if we had just listened to Him in the first place. 

We should feel Godly sorrow for our sins because it is the acknowledgment that we could do better, that we could be happier. And it motivates us to change. 

Godly sorrow is motivated by humility. Shame and guilt are motivated by pride.

So this week, I am going to seek to eliminate my own shame. That is my goal. I need to be humble and allow myself to feel the love of others in my life rather than focusing on a guess of how they might be judging me.

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On a lighter note, Jonah reports  that though the temptation has not yet gone away, he has successfully remained sober. And for my part, I didn't feel like I was going to throw up when he admitted that he was still tempted! Growth!