After my initial disclosure to a friend about what's been going on, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I know I've said it before, but I was litterally drowning in secrets and I couldn't breath....I couldn't withstand the weight of them. I talk to her for maybe 15 minutes on Facebook, and it made all the difference.
On Sunday, when Jonah was so emotional and upset, I told him how much it had helped me just to talk to somebody and not feel alone. I encouraged him to find someone to talk to, too....someone who might be going through or might have gone through the same thing. He mentioned a friend, and I encouraged him to make plans.
Tonight, he and, let's call him Chris, went to see a movie and get burgers. Jonah came home almost a different person. He was open and affectionate and said he was starting to realize what a horrible thing he had been engaged in. Chris encouraged Jonah to attend the church addiction recovery meetings and gave him a list of books to read. I'm so grateful for Chris and the support he is being. I haven't always been Chris's biggest cheerleader, but I'm very grateful for him right now.
I think the nature of sin is isolation. When we sin we isolate ourselves from others and from God. The guilt and shame that we feel only isolates us further. We feel alone and miserable, which is exactly how satan wants us to feel. Christ and His atonement help bring us back into the fold of God, help us be cleansed of our shame and our guilt and help us change for the better. It's an amazing feeling.
I have such a strong testimony of our Savior's love and grace. And so, in a way, I am grateful for this trial, because I've never appreciated Him in that way. I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is neither sunshine nor a train, it is the light of Christ; a light that can penetrate all darkness no matter how deeply ensconced in the darkness we are. It is incomparably far reaching and all encompassing. It can find us wherever we are, whether in the depths of despair or in the brightest moments of joy and happiness. It is love and hope.
I might have told this story before, but I was reading about the apostles in the boat after the feeding of the 5000. They had just witnessed an amazing miracle and listened to a beautiful discourse. And they get on the boat, and Christ goes in the back to take a nap. As the storm grows increasingly more ferocious, they panic and run about trying desperately to keep the boat upright and above water. The work feverishly until the very last moment when all is lost and they've all but given up. And in that moment they shake Jesus awake and yell at Him "are you content to let us die while you take a nap!?!" And in that moment, He walks calmly to the deck of the boat, looks around and says, "peace, be still," calming the raging waters almost instantly.
The point the author was making is that we are often content to allow Christ to nap in the back of our lives, basically ignoring him but taking for granted that He is there. And even in the times of our trials, we do not turn to Him first. We fight and we dig in our heels and we do our best. It is only when we feel that all hope is lost that we find ourselves screaming in His face, "why aren't you doing anything!?! Are you content to let me die!?!" The truth is that He was there all along, silently aware, always loving and concerned, but waiting for us to ask. President Monson said that Christ is "in the details of our lives."
I hope that this lesson is a permanent one for me because I don't want to have to learn it again. But, I think more than anything, I have learned that Christ is there for me. And if I learn to accept Him and His aid on my good days, I won't find it so difficult to find Him on my bad days.
I've never felt so much love from heaven than I have in the last few weeks. I've seen little miracles that aren't much, but exactly what I needed. Days when I didn't want to get out of bed, one of the kids' teachers would call and ask me to come help for the day. A friend who understood. And a mighty change of heart. Little things that make the day and week seem easier and shorter. Moments when you realize that you aren't alone....but that though the road is rough, someone is carrying you.
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