A Great Hair Day

Today, I skipped my gym appointment, drove Jonah to work (I've been doing that a lot lately), and spent way too much money!

First we (the princess and I) walked around Walmart for about 90 minutes. We bought new workout clothes (old navy active wear **SUCKS**), a new dress for my Valentine's Day date, and paper valentines for the brothers.

Then we spent another hour in the fabric store picking out upholstery fabric and stuff to make a skirt lengthener slip thingy (unfortunately, the new V day dress is a wee bit short!).

The princess spent the whole time covering my arm with VeggieTales stickers.

I was happy. It felt really good to be happy. The last few days have been a bit of a rock bottom....but (thanks to this online journalism blog thing) I feel really hopeful because my rock bottom is not nearly as low as it was a month ago! Progress, right!?!

We stopped at subway (pretending to be healthy while ordering fast food) and played outside in the backyard. I was productive! I did laundry and the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and am fixing a computer!

We went to the park when the brothers were out of school, and made brinner (breakfast for dinner).

And to top it all off, I had a really fantastic hair day!

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I've been singing in a regional choir for a local women's conference that is coming up. We are singing a song by Sally DeFord called "Make Us One." I know this is super cheesy, but the lyrics have really touched me, so I want to post them here.

How shall we stand amid adversity?

Where is our comfort in travail?

How shall we walk amid infirmity,

When feeble limbs are worn and frail?

And as we pass through mortal sorrow, 

How shall our hearts abide the day?

Where is the strength the soul may borrow?

Teach us thy way.

Make is one that our burdens may be light!

Make us one as we seek eternal life!

Unite our hands to serve they children well.

Unite us in obedience to thy will.

Make us one! Teach us, Lord, to be,

One in faith, one in heart, one in Thee.

Then shall our souls be filled with charity,
Then shall all hate and anger cease
And though we strive amid adversity,
Yet shall we find thy perfect peace
So shall we stand despite our weakness,
So shall our strength be strength enough
We bring our hearts to thee in meekness;
Lord, wilt thou bind them in thy love?

Take from me this heart of stone,

And make it flesh even as thine own.

Take from me unfeeling pride;
Teach me compassion; cast my fear aside.
Give us one heart, give us one mind
Lord, make us thine
Oh, make us thine!

This son especially touched me at practice last night. Earlier in the evening, I had listened to a Mormon Messages podcast about pornography. It featured a couple who had gone through exactly what I am going through....except she dealt with it better than I am dealing with it. The big difference between her and I, though, is that she told everyone! She told her mom and dad and friends and siblings and everyone! She did not hold back! And she talked about how talking is essential because keeping things locked away is what satan wants! He wants us to be alone and miserable! He wants us to be ashamed and scared! Christ is all about love and openness. And how we need to find those around us to talk to and be open with....not just for ourselves, but for them, too.....you never know who might be out there dealing with stuff, too.

So with that in mind, singing the lyrics to that song....talking about how God wants us to be one. He wants to make us a solid group of sisters and saints so that we can work together....so that we can help one another....because He never intended man (or woman) to be alone. "And as we pass through mortal sorrow, how shall our hearts abide the day?...Make us one that our burdens may be light!"

I love how it talks about our trials teaching is charity. It's easy to judge someone when you have never been in their shoes. But pain does something to you. I hope no one ever has to feel the pain that I have felt. And I feel so much more empathy for those who have. 

I thought I understood this problem. I had so much pride. (Part of that was because my husband had lied to me and told me that our safeguards had solved the problem almost a decade ago....but that's beside the point.) I thought myself wise. But I was naive and foolish and oh so wrong. I'm so sorry to anyone I might have judged or inadvertently offended when I was so blind to the beam in the figurative eyes of my own relationship. I know better now....I know how little I know.

I feel like, today, Heavenly Father answered prayers that I did not speak. I felt so much hope and peace. I love my Father in Heaven so much, and I am so grateful for His love and care. I should be using this experience to draw nearer to Him....and though I talk about it, I haven't been diligent. But today my burden was lighter. Today I felt His power and the grace of the atonement of Christ.

If only I could hold on to this feeling for always....this feeling of....

...

......joy.