The Church's Principle's Office

Yesterday was the day. The day that I went with Jonah to his standing appointment with the bishop.

I have a fear of authority. It's kind of paralyzingly. I just don't deal well with confrontations with authority figures. Even when I know the outcome will be good or that the purpose of the interview is not nefarious in any way, still, I break out in sweats and jitters...I often start to cry....at which point in pretty sure that all respect that the person sitting on the other side of the desk might have once had for me flies out the window and is immediately replaced with the moderately true conviction that I am certifiably insane. I don't know how to get over that....

So, in this situation, walking into that office, I was a wreck. I hate it. I didn't want to look him in the eye. I didn't want to answer his questions.

And he asked me how I was. And I said, "better." I can't remember everything that happened. I told a little bit about my father and I focused really hard on not crying. I said I hated being paranoid and that my first thought when waking up in the morning is "he's not here! Where is he, what is he doing, and why?" (At which point, he told me that was fine and good and if Jonah got defensive or said I was nagging then he was the one who was in the wrong.)

But what I remember the most is the feeling of utter humiliation. I hate that I've been put in this situation. I didn't do anything wrong! 

But that isn't what I said when the bishop asked me how I felt. I said that I was angry and hopeless and infuriated and annoyed and a thousand other things. These are sins I never wanted to have to deal with...words like "pornography" and "masturbation" are words I never wanted to have to say.

Jonah is trying. And he is staying sober and promising to let me know if he slips or relapses in any way. And I'm starting to feel normal....except I'm not.

I was asked by the Relief Society to teach a class on securing computers and blocking inappropriate content. It feels ironic. That knowledge used to make me feel safe and in control. Now it make me feel powerless and scared and naive. I mean, what's the point? Nothing could have protected my family from **his** choices....because ultimately they were his choices to make.

The plan of Satan was to compel us to be righteous and to return to live with God. Christ wants us to choose to be happy, to choose to be righteous and to choose to return because He knows that, as glib as it sounds, it's the thought that counts.

My husband loves me. And I love him. I just really hate this. I hate everything about this. The bishop said something about how this will ultimately be for our good. I want someone else's good.