Tender Mercies

The last couple of days have been pretty bad. Dark days. 

And I realized that my moments on the couch, Netflix and video games, books on tape and headphones....it's all avoidance. I've been avoiding the issue because it's too painful.

I've been drowning in a sea of secrets, barely able to keep my head above water, gasping for air and relief. It's suffocating; keeping everything in. It's terrifying and hard....and so I've tried to pretend it isn't happening.

I know that reading my scriptures and prayer are the best ways to get over this, but I haven't been doing it. And I wake up every day, watching as a spectator the minutes of my life tick by, wondering why I'm not taking the steps I need to take to move on. And I think I've figured it out....to heal, to move on, to get over it, I have to acknowledge it....and in a way....on some level....I haven't been able to really do that. I've been avoiding. I've been hiding. I've been drowning.

And I prayed in my heart what I should do. And I felt so strongly that I needed to talk to someone....to tell someone. And I did.....sort of. I felt so strongly that there wa one person I could talk to. I had thought of going to her before, but had always lost courage and allowed the moment to pass. The feeling, the impression was so overwhelming, I couldn't ignore it. So I messaged her on Facebook.

I couldn't even type the words at first. And I typed faster and faster and the words pored out of my fingers like acid rain, cleansing and putrid. And I sobbed until my head hurt and my eyes ran out of tears.

And she understood! She knew **exactly** how I feel. It was such a relief! It was like coming up for fresh air! And suddenly, I could breathe again! And she didn't have a ton of time....but it was enough....it was just a second....and it was just what I needed. I was able to do the laundry....something I haven't been able to bring myself to do in weeks. And I cleaned up the kitchen and made dinner. And was able to do little things that I haven't been able to do.

I guess I didn't realize how desperate I was, how deep the water had gotten until I found that moment of relief. I'm so grateful for little miracles. The little miracles are going to be the stepping stones that will help me climb out of this pit.