Contemptable Contempt

I was listening to Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink today while I was at the gym. It's all about the science of snap judgments, and it is more interesting than I thought it would be.

In the beginning of the book, he talks about a process called "thin slicing." Basically, it is a way of analyzing a given situation or thing (or person or process or whatever) by analyzing a small part of that situation/thing/whatever.

To give an example, he talks about a psychologist named John Gottman who did this huge study that I'm not going to go into the details of here but basically was about identifying subtle warning signs of divorce. Using the method he developed, he can predict if a couple will divorce within 15 years with 95% accuracy! They discuss all the different warning signs (there are 4 major ones) and go into a bunch of interesting details, but I kind of latched on to this quote:

"...contempt, is the greatest predictor of divorce. It's the single most important sign that the marriage is in trouble. In fact, Gottman reports that having your significant other hold you in disgust is so stressful that it can have a negative effect on your immune system."

In the book, he says

"[Contempt is]...a global condemnation of a person's character...it's trying to put that person on a lower plane than you. It's hierarchical." 

I've been really working hard on being a better spouse. I've been trying to make dinners and get the laundry done and not criticize my husband. And I've tried to make time for him. We've started putting the kids to bed early and making a special dinner together each Friday night. And this morning we found a fun little donut shop right next to my gym and the trailhead he takes to go to bike to work where we can have an occasional morning treat together. We talked about how our days seem to be more pleasant when we make time for one another in the morning. And he even invited me to help him with his yard work (something I tend to avoid), but I said yes and made it a date! We're really working...

And with all this effort, I still can't let go of the pornography thing.

I know that part of it is just that it is in our world. It's all around us. I see it in TV shows and movies and billboards. And it's always been there...I just haven't been so aware.

Part of it is that we are each trying to be more open, so it comes up. I have questions. I'm curious and my questions are not malicious....but they are there. And he has temptations...I know that...and he's trying to avoid those temptations by turning away and starting a conversation when a sexy scene pops in on a movie. And I notice those things. And he explains to me. And all of that is good...but it's there.

And part of it, I think, is that I don't want to be complacent anymore. I don't want to lose this connection that we have right now. I know that I can't stop the natural ebb and tide of a relationship. I can't prevent future mood swings or fights. But I'm afraid of them. I'm so afraid that ebb means relapse and that bad days mean slips.

Each time I hang on to it, the temptation comes to allow contempt come in. Each time I think of it, there is that temptation to think of myself as better because he succumbed to something that I did not.

I often wonder why it took him so long to confess to me...why he was so afraid of me and my reaction...and I wonder if I've shown signs of contempt in the past...if what he was afraid of was not so much more reaction or punishment that I would exact....but my contempt.

And sitting here thinking about it, I am reminded again how important forgiveness is. I have no right to hold something over his head or to say I am better than him...because I've sinned, too. I've made mistakes. I'm no better than he is....in fact....generally speaking, I think it is the opposite...I think he is a better person than I am most of the time.

I think the opposite of forgiveness is contempt. Contempt is angry and prideful and judging. I think like all the other sins of the heart and mind, Contempt will hurt the one harboring it far more than the person toward whom it is directed.

And on the other side is forgiveness which is freeing and beautiful and releases 2 souls from bondage. Forgiveness is love and humility. Elder Uchtdorf said,

" Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord’s way."

I want to live in the way of the Lord. I am desperate for His forgiveness and love. I hope that I can let go of this while still holding on to the lessons that I have learned. I love him and appreciate all that he is and does for our family. Losing him in my life would be worse than any other pain. He is worth my forgiveness. I can only try to be worthy of his.