When I got home, Jonah didn't acknowledge me at all. He's been in his funk, so I wasn't surprised. I guess this is the pornography addicts version of the DDTs. Withdrawal is painful.
I've been reading a lot lately about codependency. When I first started reading about pornography addiction and looking for help and advice, that word popped up a lot....but I didn't know what it meant. But as I hit rock bottom, I think I've figured it out.
I think codependency means that I allow my happiness and mood to be dependent on his behavior. It's very common among women in general....but becomes a more exacerbated problem among wives of addicts. But the thing is, I can't control him. I can't control his attitude or behavior or his feelings.
And when I went to the support group, the ladies there spoke about letting go....about deciding to heal and to be better and to be happy regardless of whether he chooses to be better or not.
So I decided to detach. I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of being sad because of thugs that I can't control. I'm tired of varying around an umbrella just because he's standing in the rain.
I detached. I went about my day and I ignored him. I did laundry and listened to my book on tape and made dinner and took care of the kids. I wasn't rude or malicious. I just did my thing. And I stopped reaching out to him....because it's exhausting constantly reaching out to someone who doesn't reach back. And ever since d-day, that's how it's been. I've been reaching out for him desperately because I want to hold on to him. I want to possess him and I need to know that he wants and needs me....because if he doesn't want and need me...then there is more to the pornography issue than just hormones.
But he doesn't reach back. He said once that I love him more than he loves me. It was so hurtful for him to say...but I think it's true. And a relationship like that is not healthy.
That's what pornography does. Orgasm produces the same hormones as a hug. Every time he has an orgasm in front of a computer, it creates those feelings of comfort and love in relation to the pornography and takes away from the love and comfort he should be feeling for me. It actually and literally erodes our relationship in his brain. Our relationship is not healthy. It's not all him....but....a lot of it is him.
So when he climbed into bed last night, having said a handful of words to me all day....and when he rolled over without touching me....not a hug....not an arm around my waist....but instead, a wall. A wall right down the middle of the bed. And I had no desire to share that bed with him in any way.
I decided to sleep on the living room floor in front of the fireplace.
He didn't stop me. He didn't ask why. For all I know, he was fast asleep and didn't even notice me leave.
At 6:30a, he came into the living, laid down next to me, and put his arm around me. And though I don't remember the details, that's how it started.
We ended up in the bedroom with the door shut. He said I had seemed cranky yesterday. And I told him. I wasn't cranky, I just wasn't chasing him around all day like the dog fighting for his attention. I said he doesn't think of me. I'm not a thought to him. I'm just another thing to do...an obligation to fulfill. I'm an object that he keeps around for his convenience in case he is interested in me at some random, unpredictable point. He avoids even platonic affection from me and he doesn't appreciate me.
He didn't disagree. He couldn't. It is the true. He loves me, but it is a selfish love...and it only comes up when it is convenient to him. And my co dependent habits become debilitating in that environment. So while codependency is never healthy, I absolutely cannot be condependent because it is breaking me.
And, a little surprisingly, this was a revelation to him. He tried to justify his actions, but ultimately admitted that I was right. He said he loved me but not all the time. And I said that it didn't used to bother me this much, but now I have no trust in him. I can't trust that the moments he loves me are enough or just an effort to placate my neediness. I can't trust what he says. I can only believe in what he does. And he has only done things for himself. Even his confession was selfish....coming in his timeline for his own purposes and changing only to the degree he is willing to get to.
It broke him. He's been avoiding things just as I have. And he got really upset and repentant.
And skipping the messy, snotty details, he closed off. But I didn't leave. I stayed. I sat there, comforting and compassionate but detached. This is his pain. He needs to deal with it. He can change or not. I am a daughter of God....and I have a higher purpose than to sit around moping.
It took a lot of pushing, but he finally admitted that he didn't want to go to church. And I bluntly told him that that was a really stupid idea. He said he couldn't pray privately at church. I said he couldn't receive revelation or get outside himself sitting at home. I've seen this pattern before. Sure, he might pray or whatever....but the majority of the day would be spent "cleaning" and listening to Motab on iheart radio....thinking that replaces sabbath worship. But we can't repent by disobeying commandments. I told him that I would never force him to go to church and I wouldn't judge him if that is the decision he made....but...skipping church to spend the day "repenting" is a stupid plan.
So he decided to get out of bed and go to church. It took him longer than usual....but I think it did him good. He had to get outside himself.
In the few quiet moments we had before we had to leave for church, I decided to give him the addiction recovery manual that I was given when I went to the support meeting. And I encouraged him to use it. Maybe that's why I needed to go to the meeting.....not for me....but for him. For the first time, he's been truly repentant....truly accepting that his actions have had effects in his life. And for the first time, he's been willing to do something a little bit more to try and correct it.
The scriptures say that we must go to the Lord with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I think I saw that in him this morning. I hate that he had to hurt so much...but I'm encouraged that it's happened.
At the women's conference yesterday, she said that "as we struggle though...gethsamane, you go in and learn what you need to learn and you come out with the riches of eternity in your heart."
I guess another word for gethsamane is "rock bottom." And I suppose we have to hit rock bottom in order to find a place where we can kneel.
Here's hoping that our break through is permanent. It took us 10 years to get to this point, so it might take us more than a few weeks or months to really get over it. It's been little things that have thrown us off for years. As President Uchtdorf said "Through years of serving the Lord and in countless interviews, I have learned that the difference between happiness and misery in individuals, in marriages, and families often comes down to an error of only a few degrees." Those few little things have thrown us thousands of miles off course over the last decade. We can get back on track....but it will take a while, and we'll have to develop new, better habits.
I hope there are no more rock bottoms. I hope that it's uphill from here. I'm ready to move on with my life, I'm ready to be done cleaning up the mess that pornography has made of my life.
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