Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was one of those amazing nights. We got a sitter! We've never gotten a sitter for Valentine's Day! Most years, we haven't done anything at all. There has been work and school. And then there was no money and kids.

I wonder sometimes if he loves me the way that I love him. He says that he loves me, and I believe him. And yet, there are times when I wonder how deep that love is. 

We were at the grocery store on Friday night for our usual Friday night making dinner date, and the place was full of men buying flowers and chocolates and donuts for breakfast. And Jonah made that typical snark of "Valentine's day is dumb! Can't I just love you all year without having a special day where o have to prove it?" I kind of thought it was a joke and ignored it....but, the next day, when I asked him if he wanted to exchange gifts before or during our date, he said he hadn't gotten me anything.

I hate to be the demanding and shallow girl...but sometimes I'm really jealous of the women sitting at home alone on Friday night because their significant others are out thinking about how to make them smile.

He wasn't super into the whole Friday night thing. And he didn't seem too excited about the Valentine's Day date. He eased into it, and we had a really great time. But I sometimes get tired of pushing him into loving me.

I know he loves me. I do. And I know he likes to spend time with me. But I also know that he gets preoccupied with everything else, and it drives wedged between us.

Ok, enough complaining and whining. We did have a good time. Jonah ended up getting some headache medicine, and after that he was much more into the ceramics painting. He painted an owl candle holder and I made an owl bank for the princess.

Then we had sushi. I asked the waitress to order for me since I had never had it before. It was fantastic and fully cooked. Jonah had a raw salmon with citrus stuff roll. And I couldn't stomach it. It didn't taste like raw fish, but the texture was wrong and really grossed me out.

*************************

I think I've said this before but...I've been reading these blogs about other WoPAs that have been dealing with this for longer. And they deal with relapse after relapse. I don't know how they deal with it. Valentine's Day was exactly 5 weeks since D-day and that puts him at 5 weeks and 3 days sober. 38 days. And I'm barely starting to feel normal again. And that's when these other women start to report the relapses of their husbands. I think in afraid to be comfortable and normal because it would make it harder if there were a relapse. It's easier to not trust him and say "see! I told you so!" Then it would be to trust him and let myself get broken again.