I had hoped that the nightmares were going away....that I was starting to be better...that life was getting back to normal....but I'm not totally certain that I'm capable of normal anymore. Even my seemingly innocuous dreams are nightmarish and act as triggers.
I try to suppress the emotion of it...I try to hide from the pain and pretend like it doesn't affect me...but then I come here with every intention of writing some happy, inspired post only to find tears oozing from my fingertips.
I shared a dream that I had a couple of nights ago with my husband. It's funny to hear him say things like "So your dreams are just weird again, not nightmares! That's good!" He doesn't make the connections...the doesn't see the subtle nuances and how they relate to our situation. That "just weird" dream was full of public humiliations, broken relationships, and fear. He saw a series of random events, unrelated and occurring in a completely inappropriate place. I don't want to hurt him, so I close my mouth in a tight smile. I won't tell him what it means...how it affects me. I won't tell him because my pain is my own and not his burden.
I had a dream last night. It was horrible and shameful...so much so that I can't relate it...not to anyone. I don't even want to talk about it here in any detail because I want it gone. I want it erased from my mind and memory. I want its moment in history to be deleted. I hate it. I hate that those sorts of thoughts and scenarios are in my head and that my brain is able to create such a vivid picture with them. It make me ill....literally ill.
Private moments with my husband triggered the memory of the dream. And the memory of the dream triggered the disgust and horror of my husband's revelation. I was suddenly thrust a million miles away from him, and it didn't feel like it was far enough. But I don't want to punish him continually. I don't want to be the pet owner that leaves the mark on the carpet just so that I can daily rub the dog's nose in his mistake. I want to be able to clean up the mess and move on. But how do I move on? I feel like something inside of me is broken. I am broken.
My son was asked to give a talk in primary today. But when we went into the primary room and sat down, we were told that the schedule had changed. I am an outsider there. I don't even know the schedule. Everything has changed. There are no constants in my life, and it is a depressing thought.
I made a comment in Sunday School and got a fact wrong. I felt awkward, and all of the shame that I have been hiding from crashed into my chest...the shame of his sin and my reaction and my inability to cope. I feel so alone.
I couldn't even look up after that. I slunk into my chair and played a game on my phone for the remainder of the lesson.
When we got home, everything was too much. The kids were bickering playfully, and my husband was teasing them. The princess needed to take her nap, and the ice cream was too hard to be served. I couldn't handle each person asking something of me. And the dream...there in the back of my mind....it was too much.
The bishop had mentioned that my husband's next appointment was supposed to be today. He mentioned that he wanted me to go, too. I asked my husband about it, and he so casually blew it off saying we could go next week when things weren't so crazy. It was another thing he was asking of me....to be okay with a blasé attitude. And the dream.....it was too much.
I left the kitchen and ran to the piano. I couldn't handle everything. I felt like my chest was going to explode with the emotion being trapped inside. The piano is still broken, but I don't care. I need it. And there are things our family needs, so I can't yet afford to replace it. My husband followed me and continued to tease me. I blurted out in a tone more desperate and venomous than I had intended "Stop it! Please, don't! Please! Just stop it!"
He was angry. I'm not sure if I blame him or not.
He went outside. He slammed the door. And I felt more shame and guilt.
I went out to ask him if he was okay....to see where he was going...where he had gone. He was sitting on the porch. He was not unkind but he was short with me. I got the message. I was not welcome in that moment.
And all I could think about as I headed into the house is that these are the moments when he is tempted...and he keeps saying that he is trying to be better for me...but he won't want to be better for me if he is angry at me. So I headed down to the basement. I'm hiding from the kids down there. I'm trying to calm down. And, deep down in a place that I don't want to acknowledge....I am guarding the computer.
20 minutes later he is sitting next to me, head on my shoulder, as if nothing happened. I'm not sure how to react....how to feel. And still, I think, he is better now. I can't burden him with my pain. It is my pain.
What is wrong with me? I feel like in my darkest moments that I reach out to my Savior. And I take His hand, and everything seems okay. But I let go for just a moment because I have to live. I have to do laundry and dishes, and suddenly the light is out again. I don't know when or how it happened; I just know that I am sitting in the basement like a sentinel, but everything around me seems so futile. Why clean up the messes that are just going to be reformed in a few minutes when the boys head down here? And it is a metaphor for how I feel about life! I don't want him to know how hopeless I feel about this process of "recovery"...but he's opened up to me before...he's confessed and been found out before....
The stake president spoke in church today about how in the moments when we are right and use that as a justification not to forgive....even when we are right, we are wrong.....because we should always forgive. And again, I feel the shame of not being able to go back to the way things were. I feel like I have forgiven him....but I don't know how to trust him. And does that mean that I haven't truly forgiven him?
Anyway, that's how I feel today. I feel shame....shame for my dream and shame because I can't let go and shame because my trial is so small when compared to others.
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