Reprogramming

I don't know how to write this. I have a million thoughts bouncing around in my head, but I don't know how to get them all out without writing for a few hundred pages.

I've had this song stuck in my head the past few days:

Here I am; take my hand. Savior, lead me through this land. Hear my humble plea for courage in this world of sin and strife. O Savior, please guide my life.

Here I am; take my hand. Walk beside me through this land. Let me hear the voice of knowledge, understanding truths today. O Savior, please show the way.

I've already discussed my struggles with self worth, so I won't go into that again. I really don't want a pity party. I only bring it up because knowing how difficult it is for me to believe that I am valued and loved helps you understand what a big step it was for me to feel like so many things that were said in church today were meant just for me.

I'm really fighting the urge to qualify that last sentence with something about how there were probably other people at church today who needed to hear the same thing, thereby downplaying the possibility that I mattered enough to have a lesson just for me when I needed to hear it.

The lessons were nothing particularly new, and the subject matter was not particularly profound. But I found myself really connecting with what was being taught.

In Sunday School, we discussed John chapters 3 and 4. The first half of the lesson was about Nicodemus, a member of the Sanhedrin who snuck out to inquire of the Savior. It strikes me even now that Christ took the time to answer honest questions.

But it was the second half of the lesson that really caught my attention. It is about the Samaritan woman at the well. She was a Samaritan. She was a woman. She had had multiple husbands and was then living with a man who was not her husband. She was a sinner. She was by all accounts not the kind of person you would expect the King of Kings to confide in. And yet He does...He reveals bluntly and profoundly to her His divinity. He takes the time to speak with and teach her. And when someone in the classroom mentions in almost an offhand way "why is this even in the scriptures?" I thought, to teach us that there is no one who is too low by the standards of economics, society, or righteousness that they no longer qualify for the love and doctrines of the Savior. His gospel is for all: rich, poor, disciple or not, righteous or wicked. His gospel and His atonement is for everyone...even me.

And then in Relief Society, the lesson was about agency and the ability to choose. And I have no idea how it came up, but the teacher said, "Christ loves all of us, and His atonement was performed for everyone...not everyone except you." Aren't those the very thoughts that I've harbored for so long?

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I thought of a quote from a blog posting that I had read recently. She said, (and I'm going to emphasize it because I think it's really profound):

The battle today, between Babylon and Zion, is being waged between the synapses of our brains.

 I think very often in life, we put our brains on autopilot. We just do the things that we always do, the things we need to do. We need to make consistently right choices so that when we are faced with a hard day, autopilot can take over and get us to the places that we need to be.

When I was young, I had already decided what kind of life I wanted to live. I knew what my answers were to the hard questions. I had already made the choice. And so when I was in college and someone offered me a beer for the first time, even though emotionally I wanted to fit in and on a certain level I was just plain curious, autopilot kicked in and I was saying "No, thank you, I don't drink," before I even realized what was happening.

In the past month, I've programed my autopilot to a certain level of paranoia. Now is the time to reprogram. I need to build new habits. My husband does, too. I guess that is how we build trust...trust is a habit...just like fear and paranoia. If everything has an opposite, I guess habits do, too.