After getting home from work yesterday, Jonah was in a mood. He wouldn't admit to being in a mood....but he was in a mood. He was snappy with the kids and not willing to talk to me. And when I told him that I wanted to go to the group, his attitude just got worse. Again, he wouldn't admit that anything was wrong or that he was in a bad mood, but he obviously wasn't in a good mood.
After the meeting, I got home pretty late. I typed my last post in the parking lot of the seminary building where the meeting was held. I didn't want to forget anything. I came home feeling relatively calm.
When I pulled into the driveway of the house, I was of course suspicious. The lights in the basement were on and the upstairs was dark. I figured that Jonah was breaking the rules again. And it's so annoying...because even if he's "clean"...he's not taking this seriously.
Well, I was wrong. He was sitting in the living room. He asked me how the meeting went, and I started to tell him when I heard the TV on downstairs. I asked if he had been watching tv downstairs and he said no. I asked, well then why is the TV on? Who's down there? He said the brothers were down there! I was so annoyed! It was almost 10pm! But I didn't get angry, and I didn't say anything to him....I just went downstairs, turned off the TV (among protests that the show was almost over) and sent the brothers off to bed. The princess was already in bed, he said, after apologizing for not getting the boys ready. But I found out this morning that he didn't bother changing her clothes or diaper because she was still in her tutu skirt and was soaking wet when I got her up this morning.
Anyway, so, after the kids were all taken care of, I sat down to talk to him about the meeting. The conversation digressed and basically culminated in his assertion that **he doesn't think what he did was that big of a deal!!!!**
Wait, what?!?!
Yeah.
So he says that he feels bad that he hurt me so badly but he doesn't feel like what he did was that big of a deal. I wasn't able to really process that at the time, though I tried to argue the point. He says he doesn't feel different having stopped. And everything that I blamed on the pronography, he absolutely denied being connected at all. I was a little pissed off at the point and dropped it.
And then, to bed. And he rolled over and went to sleep. No more talking. No more argument. No more thought from him.
But I keep thinking about it. And I keep getting more and more annoyed and frustrated! If he feels that way, what is going to prevent him from doing it again. I mean, I didn't catch him. And if hurting me is the only thing stopping him and it's not that big of a deal, why wouldn't he just start hiding it from me again?
I'm angry. And I'm hurt. And I'm sad. I'm sad.
He keeps saying that it's been a month and he hasn't relapsed so it must be cured, right! He says the Internet restrictions will stop it from happening again. And I hate that. Because we've had restrictions before and it didn't stop him. And the last time he talked to a bishop, he said that he went 3 months before he started again. So a month is nothing.
He's not taking this seriously. And I'm really annoyed about it. I don't know how to make him see that it's not just the porn or masturbating that is bad. It's his attitude. His attitude is wrong. And it is demoralizing to me. He is minimaliIng my pain. Doesn't he see that what he is implying is that I'm overreacting? That what he is saying to me is "Well, fine! If it bothers you so much, I'll stop!" He's justifying his lying....it's not that big of a deal, so lying to you is protecting your from your own unjustified reactions!
No, his attitude is wrong. And **he** needs to fix that. I'm not sure that I can get that through his thick, addicted skull.
I'm so angry with him right now. And I don't see me trusting him with that attitude. I don't see recovery happening fully. I just don't see the change of heart that I wish were there. And the changes that I want to be made in our relationship aren't going to happen without that change of heart.
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