Told Ya So....

It happened just as I expected. Randomly one day, he was normal. And when I asked why he was suddenly being nice to me again, he said I'd been so crabby lately but today I looked more approachable. He talked about how I'd been rude to him and ignoring him....how I had been a jerk and how he was giving me my space until I was over my mood.

And when I reminded him of how we had talked and he had said things like "no I don't feel like being around you right now and I have a right to feel that way!" Or how he had literally and physically pushed me away...he didn't remember any of it. He said things like "really? I don't remember that!" Or "its too bad that his mutual misunderstanding made us both so upset." 

And suddenly, it was all my fault...and I don't want to fight...so I smile and nod and just hope it all goes away. 

But the thing is....I still feel this distance. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and that the slightest thing will set him off. So I work hard at making dinners and smiling and offering to do things for him...to help him and to not ask anything of him...

And for a few days...it's worked...it's been alright. 

...until I made a mistake. And I asked something of him. And it seems like such a small thing....and there he is sitting on the couch playing video games but he  "never has enough time for the art that he actually wants to do so why should he do crappy art that he doesn't want to do." And I'm like....really? I'm sorry! You could just say no. I'd rather you say no than for you to get all pissed off and say yes and then lecture me for 20 minutes about why you have to say yes but you want to say no. 

And all I can think is how I never ask anything of him. I don't even ask him to put away his own clean laundry. I don't ask him to do dishes or to make dinner or to take the trash out. I don't even ask him to put sheets on the bed. He takes care of his garden, he waters the lawn, and on Saturdays, he mows it. He bikes to work and bikes home, plays video games and eats dinner and sometimes watches a movie. And yet I feel him judging me when I sit. I hear the snide tone in his voice when he asks if I washed any clothes that day. 

And I become bitter when he tells me what I should be doing and how he will support me in doing it because I know he's lying. I'm not firing the babysitter because I know that regardless of what he says, he will never be home in time to watch the kids. I know that I can't take that last class to get my degree because he will never help out enough so that I have time to do the homework. Maybe he doesn't know it...but I know from my experience that his words and his promises are hollow. 

I suppose that this is the crutch of addiction....he is so deep in it that he doesn't know which way is up. He's so absorbed it in that he can't be absorbed in anything else. 

Man cannot serve two masters. Else he will love the one and despise the other. I feel like when he's trying...he's trying....but he's trying not to hate me. And he can't really love me until he stops loving his addiction.

Until then...I'll be walking on egg shells. 

Meditating on My Nightmares

I live my life basically jumping from one distraction to another. I listen to talk radio or books on tape when I do the dishes. I watch Netflix while I do laundry and sew. I talk on the phone while I clean. Even in the bathroom, I read a magazine or do crossword puzzles. And when I finally have down time....time to sit still and watch a movie or TV, I can't sit still and just watch....because doing only one thing at a time doesn't fully occupy my mind. I have to play a game on my phone or crochet or *something*...ANYTHING!! Just to keep each free resource in my brain busy so that nothing has a chance to wander....nothing can give in to the thoughts that threaten my calm and peace of mind. I often feel like I am on the verge of breaking, and the only thing holding me together is my feigned ignorance....a secret game in which everything is fine and the bad things all belong to someone else. 

I don't know how to deal with awful things. I guess that's ironic....because I've probably lived through more bad things than most people. But maybe that's the point....I started out as a child learning to ignore the things that I couldn't deal with. Occasionally I would allow my thoughts to wander to the "what ifs"...the realities of my situation...and I couldn't handle it. I would break down and shut down. I couldn't do it. So I would pretend. When bad things happened, it was easier to pretend I was in a play...I would play each part, acting out the scene from their perspective. I still do that, sometimes, when I'm alone in the car....I act out scenes. I cry and yell. And it's easy to walk through the issue that way....pretending it's not real and I'm an actress ad libbing the role.

The thing is...there has always been an out for me. When I was a child, I knew that I would leave that life....that house and those people, that school and that town. I knew that my ultimate goal was merely survival. I didn't need to really deal with anything because I knew I only had to endure it for it to go away of its own accord. 

But with my husband....I don't want my problem to just go away. I want it to be better. I want to solve it. I want him to love me. Desperately....I need him to want me. 

I could tell that he didn't want to be around me. I could tell. And it hurt. So I kept trying. And I kept enduring the rejection. And one morning the alarm went off while he was in the shower....and I felt so sad and hurt and rejected that I just didn't care. I stared at the wall while the phone buzzed and the alarm tone played over and over and over. And the overly dramatic part of me felt like it was a metaphor for what I was living...a buzzing that I just wanted to stop. I didn't understand why he was suddenly punishing me just because he had a relapse. Was he blaming me? Was it my fault, in a way? 

And he came out of the shower and made a joke about the alarm. And then pushed and pushed until I told him how lonely I felt because he had been pushing me away. And he did that thing he always does...he blamed me. He blamed other people. He admitted that my feelings were valid and then he dismissed them and said I was making things up. And then he said that he just doesn't feel like having sex all the time...as if that was the whole point of the matter...as if I were just this horny housewife getting all upset because he didn't feel like it. 

It was rather insulting, if you think of it. 

But I didn't say anything. I never say anything. I let him blame me...like I always do....because I'd rather be blamed and have things better than not. And I can control myself. I can't control him. If something is my fault, I can fix that. I can't fix him.

So I accepted it. And he seemed to accept it, too. Even though it had nothing to do with sex. There are other forms of intimacy. Sex was not the intimacy I craved. But I accepted his summation and his blame and I apologized and resolved to try harder. 

And I did try harder. I started doing my chores at a different time so that I could devout myself to him in the evenings. I made more involved dinners and did extra loads of laundry. I got up at 6am to work so that I could do everything. But still, he ignored me. In the quiet moments of togetherness, he coldly moved to the other side of the couch and pulled out a video game. 

On Saturday, we were each doing something different in the parade. And at the end, our son was performing in a skit to advertise the city play. It wasn't anything huge...but it's something that he is doing, and we should support him!

During the performance, Jonah was standing with his hands on his hips. I went to him and slipped my arm through his, smiling up at him....hoping for that shared moment of parental pride. But he didn't look at me. He shook off my arm and pushed me away, crossing his arms acros his chest. 

And that's when I shut down. Because being rejected is hard. Being repeatedly rejected is hard. But being repeatedly rejected by your spouse is rather unbearable.

I stopped trying. I literally just couldn't try anymore. I can't force him to love me. I can't force him to want to spend time with me. I can't force him to do or be or say anything. But I don't deserve to be hurt like that....I don't deserve to be treated like that...

Sunday afternoon...I was feeling so sad. And so alone. And so hurt and angry. And I was angry with God....just a little...because I'm not totally certain what I do that repels people...I feel like a magnet with the wrong charge....and as I try to get closer to people, they are pushed farther away. I've tried so hard with Jonah. And he's farther away from me than ever. And this morning when he left for work...he looked at me with such disdain....he's angry with me because I shut down. He doesn't understand that I'm not strong enough. I am not strong enough to endure that much rejection with no end in sight. I can't handle his indifference....not to that degree. It's like the shower suddenly went cold and he's angry with me because I stepped out of the water. 

I'm just waiting for the explosion. I know it's coming. I want it and I fear it. It's all I think about. I walk around this house and it's all that I think about. I act out scenarios in my head. I practice speeches...trying to impress on him how much I love him....and that's why it hurts to be shunned by him...that's why it hurts to be so far away from him. I think about it all day...things I can do that will make him happy when he gets home....what he would like for dinner. And nothing is different. I wait for him to reach his hand across the bed....to pull me close to him and to hold me.

He hasn't kissed me on the mouth in 2 weeks. And it aches...my heart aches in sadness and loneliness and pain.

And so, no matter how much I yearn to reach out for him...a defense mechanism inside me engages....and I shut down. I curl up on my side of the bed and I try not to touch him because if my leg touches his and he pulls it away....it's another rejection....and I am not strong enough to survive another rejection. 

I just wonder how many more times he will dutifully kiss me on the cheek and say that he loves me....walking away without looking back....as I stare at him walking out the door....trying not to admit that that was the only time he will touch me that day. 

The biggest problem is that whenever the explosion happens...he's going to do what he always does. He'll admit and then he'll justify and then he'll blame me. And I'll sit through the whole thing....and I'll accept the blame. And I'll just be grateful that he's willing to forgive me....because it's all my fault, right? 

Maybe that's why this is so hard...I wish I thought more of myself. I wish that I could love him without being codependent. I wish that I loved myself a little more so that I could feel validated even when he doesn't love me. I wish that I were a better person so that I wouldn't have to try so hard.

Thoughts like this are painful. And that's why I distract myself. I can't think about this this way. It hurts. It breaks me. It isn't fair. 

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."

Dark and Twisty

I'm trying to accept that I don't trust my husband without holding it against him. It's a fine line to balance, and I'm not very good at it. I slip and fall almost constantly. I find myself judging him and even attacking him. I've never felt so conflicted in my life. Love and the survival instinct are at odds, and it is affecting all of my relationships. I've felt myself pull away from my sons and I'm dredging up anger toward my mother. I feel dark and distant from the world. And I'm okay with it....but I have this nagging intellectual intuition that even if I feel okay...even if it's what I want....to be sheltered and safe and isolated....it's probably not what's best. There's probably something better.

At the very end of Grey's Anatomy, Amelia says, "I think I'm falling in love....and I'm afraid that it will destroy me." Derek replies, "it wouldn't be love if it didn't." I think that love has the ability to destroy and to create. In The Sword and the Stone, Merlin says that love is the greatest power in all the world....greater than any magic. Greater than gravity. I think we fear the destructive power of love because standing in the rubble of your own life, you innermost emotions raw and exposed, leaves us completel vulnerable. But we need to tear down walls to build them. We need to be broken in order for Christ to heal us. 

I'm so scared. My deepest darkest self is huddled in a corner. I'm afraid of living with this pain and sin and darkness for the rest of my life. I'm afraid of him getting tired of me asking him to change and him walking away. I'm afraid he will change and realize that he can do better than me...because I'm am scared and prideful and stubborn and foolish. I'm afraid that he will refuse to move forward....decide it isn't worth the fight...decide I'm not worth it. I'm afraid of what that would mean. I'm afraid of the possibilities. I'm afraid for him and for me and for us. I'm afraid for my children. 

This is the dark and twisty part of me that I try to suppress....that I hide and try to ignore. This is the part of me that I protect with my walls and my isolation....that terrified little part of me....but I need to learn to let it go....expose it...break it...and let Christ heal it....

The opposite of fear is love. Love can destroy me.

Answers

I felt compelled to read my scriptures tonight, although I generally justify skipping scripture study most Sunday nights (we get scripture study all day in church!). And this was what was waiting for me as I opened up to my book mark:

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

2 Nephi 4:24-30, 34-35 (emphasis added)

http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/4?lang=eng

The Big Question

Tonight, I asked Jonah if he felt like he is temple worthy. He asked in reply, "what do you mean?" 

I wasn't expecting to have to explain myself. It's a pretty straightforward question, in my opinion. Do you feel worthy to enter God's house and perform ordinances? Yes or no? 

But that's not what I said. I said, "a couple of weeks ago, I asked you to go to the temple with me. You said that you didn't feel like that was a place you could be. You have looked at porn twice since then. Do you feel like you are worthy to go to the temple?"

I didn't mean for it to come off the way it did. I didn't mean to be argumentative or accusatory or vicious. I guess it did come off that way, though, so maybe I don't blame him so much for getting angry and defensive. 

He asked why I was asking this. And I told him that if he isn't temple worthy then he isn't worthy to baptize our son. And his reply was "well, thanks for the heads up."

I apologized and tried to explain myself better. And then he said, "well, I guess whatever is meant to happen will happen."

And for the first time in my life, I wondered if this is the first step toward the end of my marriage.

I love him. But I was promised a temple marriage. I was promised certain things. And those things: trust, fidelity, love, compassion, respect....they are important. I need them. I need a husband who is worthy to officiate in the office of the priesthood to which he is ordained, and I'm not sure how much I'm willing to tolerate. I've never allowed myself to really ask or answer that question.

I love him. But I'm not comfortable with the path down which complacency leads. 

And he sits next to me on the bed....I can feel him seething. I can feel his contempt for me. I know in my heart that at least part of that is anger at himself. But then it manifests in avoidance as he plays a video game and avoids eye contact and refuses to speak. And he yells that I'm the one getting angry...when in truth I'm being defensive and scared. 

I'm trying to start a discussion and I've done it all wrong. And I'm not sure what's snapped in him...but it's affecting his desire to care. And the consequences of not caring could be dire. He could lose his job or sink further into the addiction.

I didn't sign up for this. I was promised a happily ever after. Nothing has turned out the way that it was supposed to. And I'm left alone, again, struggling to pick up the pieces of all of the broken dreams. 

Again and Again and Again

I vaguely remember seeing a movie when I was a kid. I think it was one of those National Lampoon's movies with Chevy Chase. I don't remember anything about the movie except them driving in Europe and ending up stuck in a round-about. Around and around they went, unable to merge over to take one of the exits out, and having no idea which exit to take even if they could get over. 

That's how I feel right now. Like I'm circling the roundabout without the knowledge of where to go or how to get there. I feel stuck. I feel sad. I feel frustrated and angry and annoyed.

Jonah slipped. Again. And this time it scared me in a couple of new ways.

First, I realized that forgiveness and empathy means on a certain level that I've accepted that this is in my marriage. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to say that...I'm not ready to say that I would want to stay married if I knew that this would be a part of my marriage for the next 10 years. I'm not ready to say that I wouldn't stay married if that were the future, either. But I've accepted that this is the risk. 

Second, I've realized that boundaries and rules and helps have done little but to back him into a corner. And the farther back into the corner he goes, the more desperate and depraved his addiction becomes. The first slip was while I was at a church function and he was supposed to be watching the kids. In stead of watching the kids, he was looking at porn. And the second slip was whole I was out of town. He volunteered to stay at a friends house who is aware of his issue. So since he had no access there, he accessed it at work. Moron. I am literally powerless. Even when he asks me to push, even when he willingly submits to the barriers, all it can do is push him further into the depths of addiction. 

And I feel like I'm married to a child because like my kids that whine about being bored, he has an excuse for every suggestion. And he defends himself, although I'm sure he doesn't mean to. And he clings to it, though he won't acknowledge that he does. 

And I wonder how many barriers it will take to drive him to a strip club or to sex with another woman.

As a member of the LDS faith, this weekend is our semi-annual general conference, where the general leadership of the church offers council and encouragement. And it's supposed to be kind of an exciting time...a somewhat rare opportunity to listen to our leaders speak to us the in the inspired words from the Lord would have us hear. And I'm so frustrated because he isn't listening. He isn't even making an effort at this point. And I think that he is setting an awful example for our children. And it irritates and frustrates me....not because of how it might affect my kids...but because the more he distanced himself from God and His gospel, the less hope there is for us to escape the cul de sac.

Jittery Days

I'm proud of myself for not getting depressed. There were a few tears shed, but I pushed through and did my work and came out on the side of acceptance. 

The thing I hate most about these revelations is the distance between Jonah and I afterwards. And there is pride on my part that says that I didn't do anything wrong! He should be the one to reach out to me! I have a right to be hurt and annoyed, right?

He says he stays away because he thinks I don't want him to be there.....which really bugs me because I've never asked him to leave or to go away. I've never refused to talk to him for any reason at any time. I've always been completely open and maybe not completely welcoming but never unwelcoming. I don't know where he has ever gotten the idea that he couldn't come to me or hat I wouldn't want him to come to me. I love him. If I didn't love him, it wouldn't hurt me. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be here. And because I love him, I will always want him to be near me. I will always want him to come to me with his pain and his struggles and his joys. 

I want him to be better. I want to help him be the best that he can possibly be. Helping him become the best person that he can be is what I need to help me become the best person that I can be. We need to be together and work together and help each other as we work toward our eternal destiny. 

My issue now is, where do we go from here? I suppose it's another example of my naïveté andaybe even my pride. I'm desperately afraid of what happens now. He's not been formally disciplined by our church. I've never had cause to be formally disciplined by the church. Of course I've done my own repentence...tried to make up for my mistakes and prayed for the forgiveness from God and His help to make up for what I cannot.

I'm afraid for him that some sort of formal discipline will be put on him. I know how much that would pain him. It would hurt me, too. And again, I'm amazed at the amount of humility it takes to bring your sins to a priesthood leader....the humility it takes to ask for that kind of help when the real possibility of consequences is there. It's not even my sin and I'm terrified and reluctant and tempted to tell him not to confess...tempted to tell him to just work it out at home. But as I have told him a thousand times, that hasn't worked before....only pride and stupidity (insanity?) would pretend that the results would be different this time. 

I know what needs to be done. I only hope he does, too. And I hope it works....that real change can be made....that we'll be better for it.