It has been 10 days. 10 roller coaster days. It's funny that I feel more close and more intensely in love with my husband than I ever have. And I crave it. I want to hold him in the night and to touch him during the day. I felt so alone for those first few days, and it was awful. I don't want to ever have to feel that way again. "It is not good that man should be alone." Women shouldn't be alone, either.
The nightmares have stopped. I haven't had one for 4 days.
Sometimes I think of it...sometimes I can't get it out of my head. Sometimes I allow the fear to creep in....the fear that the confession was not the end...that the last incident will not be the last. Fear that it isn't a battle that can be won, but a battle that must continually be fought. And while I have forgiven him most completely, I can't help but know that this is not the first time that I have been asked to forgive him in this matter. And the thought necessarily follows, "How many offenses more will I be asked to forgive?" Of course, the answer comes immediately to my mind: I must forgive seventy times seven times...or, in other words, I must forgive as often as it takes.
All of the books and blogs recommend that in these early stages when communication is most open and raw that the rules and boundaries and consequences must be set. I hesitate to have this discussion with him because I don't want to go through all of this while assuming that it will be futile.
The other night, we laid together on the couch watching a movie. We talked lightly, and I felt the tears start to come to my eyes. I don't know what prompted it. They just came. And I whispered my little plea: "Please promise that you won't lie to me again." I know it hurts him, to know that he's hurt me. I don't know if I really *want* to know of incidences in the future...but I *need* to know that I can trust him. I hate thinking of how him having a separate bank account for his business could be a temptation and an opportunity for him to hide things from me. I hate the nervousness that grows in my stomach every time he heads toward the basement. I don't want to drag out the subject. I don't want to beat the dead horse. But I need promises. I need assurances. I need some security.
The Bible says "Perfect love casteth out all fear." And I don't want to be afraid anymore. So the logical conclusion is that I need to strengthen my love for him and for God. I "am darkness" but "can be made light in the Lord."
The answer is so simple. The answer is love.
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