In the past, whenever I've discovered evidence of my husband's pornography abuse, I've been so embarrassed. It is painful and frustrating and infuriating....but it's also embarrassing. Pornography abuse/addiction is not something that you can really talk about. It isn't something you can tell other people about. I don't want people to think lesser of my husband because he has a problem that he is trying to work through. He's really a super guy! It would be tragic for people to miss out on how awesome he is because they are clouded by their judgments on his pet sin.
This most recent revelation....about 3 weeks ago now....was the most painful. Mostly because of the lying. I hate the lying. I hate that I have been suspicious at times in the last 5, 7, 10 years. I've asked him many times. I've been blunt. I've been kind and supportive. And each time he has looked me in the eye and lied. That stings.
So when he finally came to me with the truth, I was devastated. Not just because he had lied, but because I had built opinions and ideas and expectations on those lies. Suddenly, so much of what I believed, so much of what I thought, so much of what I hoped for him and me and us and our little family....it was all wrong and impossible. I had believed a thousand lies...and each one stabbed me in the heart and twisted the blade for good measure.
I spiraled out of control. I sunk farther into the deep, black abyss of emotional torment than I had ever allowed myself to sink before. I cried until my eyes were dry. I ate junk food. I had panic attacks. I couldn't breath. I couldn't see straight. I stayed in my pajamas. I laid alone in my bed wishing I could just go to sleep and wake up with the pain gone. I said prayers and read books and cried some more.
And I felt the love of my Savior. I came up a bit. I have climbed out of the pit. But I live on this rope bridge where just one broken plank can send me hurdling back into the darkness again. I've had some falls, for sure. I expect there to be more falls. And honestly, those falls have little to do with whether my husband relapses or not. If he is 100% successful in a cold turkey forsaking of pornography, that would be great, but I would still live on this rickety bridge. Because I no longer live on a sure foundation. And it will take time to rebuild it.
Right now for me, the hardest thing is not so much embarrassment about my husband's problem....I am more concerned that others will say I overreacted. And maybe I did. I don't know.
I know that there are people in the world who believe pornography is not that big of a deal. I know that there are very knowledgeable experts who not only condone pornography and/or masturbation but encourage it! There are women who live happily (??) in marriages where pornography use and masturbation regularly and openly occur. Would my reaction seem to them to be ridiculous and out of control?
I have a friend that I desperately want to tell. I want to tell her because she is the least judgmental person I know. She is the most real person I know. And she believes in the same things I believe. Except she was not raised in my church. She lived a very different lifestyle before joining the church. So even though she shares my beliefs, I'm afraid she will not sympathize or comfort me...I'm afraid she will minimize my pain and try to guilt me out of my fear.
On the other hand, my mother has openly disparaged women who did not leave their husbands after discovering the husband's pornography abuse. (The irony that she did not leave her husband after he slept with at least 1 prostitute is not lost on me.) So I also worry that I will be judged for "underreacting."
I suppose fear is the underlying problem here. I'm afraid to tell anyone. I constantly pray in my heart for the day when I am no longer afraid.
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