The Zero Hour

It was Saturday. It was just 2 days ago. It feels much longer than that.

I feel like I had this little candle inside of me, and it's just gone out.

I feel sad and angry and hurt and so. so. so. SO stupid. I feel betrayed. I've been lied to. I've been cheated on and taken advantage of.

I want to feel angry. It would be easier to feel angry. I want to hate him. It would be easier to hate him.

I feel crushed. Crushed is harder to feel. There is no energy or action in crushed. It is the opposite of that. Crushed is immovable pressure. Crushed is stuck between 2 things.

I am stuck between 2 things, and I need to dig my way out. But in the mean time, I have to take care of the kids. I have to be a mom. I have to go to church and face people. None of that was hard 3 days ago. But 2 days ago....that's when I was crushed....and realized....I am completely and utterly alone.

My husband admitted that he has a pornography addiction. I don't even know where to go from there. For days I've been dying for someone to talk to....a place to vent and to discuss what I'm feeling and what I'm going through....and now I don't know where to start.

I had a panic attack this morning. I was driving on the freeway. My daughter was in her car seat behind me. And I started to sob...harder and harder....and I couldn't stop and I couldn't breath and I cried out to God for the pain to go away! Because I don't know if I am strong enough. I don't know if I am enough. I don't know if I want to be strong enough.

He has lied to me on a regular basis for over 10 years. How do I move past that? He says to me, "But I'm still a good person." Really? Really. At what point does chronic liar fit into the "good person" dynamic? It's like me saying that I'm still a size 2! Yeah, somewhere under those layers of fat and muscle and if you shaved off a little bit of bone it might be true! But the whole package...butt, love handles and all just don't fit into those size 2 jeans! He might be a good person despite these short comings....but the short comings are pretty big....and they make the size "good person" jeans pretty hard to zip up.

I research things. It's what I do. I go into panic mode which is "mommy emergency fix-it" mode and I research everything I can. I'm very good at following instructions. Sometimes I feel like it's the only thing I'm good at. But there are no instructions for how to feel. There are no instructions on how to act around a liar. There are pages and pages about how I need to support him through his recovery and how I need to love and forgive him....all things I get...but how do I love him and support him and help him heal when I am mortally wounded, myself?

I'm afraid to talk to anyone. My family would never forget or forgive him. The people at church would judge him....and me! And besides all of that....it isn't my sin to confess....it isn't my wrong-doing to tell. I don't want to keep his secret....but in my optimism....I want to believe that there are blue skies ahead....and when that day comes....I don't want someone else holding that cloud over his head. Someday....he won't deserve that....and I would regret talking to that person. So I keep his secret....and I hide behind a pen name on the internet....hoping and praying that someone reads it and knows how I feel....

......

.......

......because I don't want to be alone.............