I was married when I was 19 years old. I know that the choice to marry was a bit hasty. For me, there was a lot of cultural pressure....and of course....I had "Daddy Issues." I wanted someone to love me. I wanted to feel secure. I wanted a safety net and a normal family. Marriage seemed like the answer. Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't....and though my personal reasons might have been poor...I still truly believe that my choice was right. I don't believe in fate or "soul mates" or "Mint to Be." But I do believe that as a result of the choices I had made up to that point in my life and as a result of the choices he had made up to that point in his life, we had met and should marry. I felt the Spirit confirm it to me time and time again. I married him in the temple of our God and He blessed our union.
I know now that pornography had been a struggle for him even at that time. I felt prompted to ask him about it a few times after we were married....but he never indicated any issue. I found the first clues after the birth of our first child....but I blew it off....his brother was staying with us....surely it was his fault.....right?
I found it again later that year. He was working a graveyard shift when I called to confront him about it. He didn't come home the next morning. He slept on a bench in the park and then went to school. He came that next afternoon before work and we fought. I was angry. I was young and angry and hurt and confused. I asked him to see our bishop. He insisted that he didn't need to. He promised he would stop.
He didn't.
The third time I found it in the history on one of our computers, I went into an all out rage. I told him that if it didn't stop that I would leave. I insisted he see our bishop. He did. The bishop was new....young and distracted and unvetted....he didn't take the matter seriously. He made my husband promise he would stop. He promised. I put very strict restrictions on all of our computers. I put up walls and thought I had safe guarded our home. He said he had stopped. He promised.
He didn't.
Over the next 7 years, I had my suspicions. When prompted (by the Spirit or just hormones, I don't know...) I would ask him. I saw little signs of the struggle....when he moved his computer out of the office into a more public place...browser histories deleted...viruses and spyware....but whenever we discussed it, he was adamant that it wasn't his problem anymore. He asked me to take down the restrictions on the router, network, and off of his computer. He promised it wasn't an issue and that it would be fine to do it at that point.
I believed him.
I was stupid.
More recently, there were more signs. The last year or so he has kind of checked out. His interest in me sexually has diminished significantly over the last 3 years especially. He would get defensive if I or the kids got on his computer...saying that it was for business and that he just didn't want it to get messed up. He was distant and critical. He forgot my birthday and was angry when I insisted he help the kids get me a Mother's Day gift. There were so many signs. And I chose to ignore them. I wanted so desperately to trust him. I wanted so much for things to be different than they were. I just wanted to be happy.
There's an episode of The Simpsons where Lisa is dating Nelson. She is concerned that though she likes Nelson, he isn't quite the kind of boy that she feels comfortable liking. She talks to her mother, Marge, about her concerns. Marge says that when she met Homer, he was fat and lazy and drank too much and had no future and now! He's a completely different person! Lisa starts to protest when Marge says, more firmly and purposefully this time, He's a completely. different. person, Lisa.
That's what my mom did. She just said it over and over and over until she believed it....even if it would never be true. That's what I did, too. I dutifully recited my mantras until I believed them. I blew off my suspicions. I became more casual when I asked about the issue. And I told myself: He's a completely. different. person.
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