On Faith and Nightmares

I love books. I have always loved books, and I have always been an avid and somewhat advanced reader. I read The Count of Monte Cristo for the first time (unabridged) in 2nd grade. I was cast in my first Shakespearean play when I was 10 and had to explain the script to the rest of the mostly adult cast. I have books overflowing every room in my house. I stash them under my bed and in the dresser and in my purse. I have no less than 3 audiobooks downloaded through our library's online app right now. I love books. I have an obsession with books. I find refuge in books.

I'm also a little OCD about my books. I'm not OCD in the way other people are....I think dog-earing is an indication of love and use. I don't care if the spines are creased (how else are you supposed to read it?) or if people mark up the books or write in their margins. I'm not prejudiced against digital copies or audio book or think that classics are necessarily better than modern novels. I'll read any genre or sub-genre that someone recommends to me. I'll try any author without regard to target audience. But I do insist that:

• a book, if started, must always be read to completion
• if there is a series, it must not be touched until the series is complete and all books in the series are available
• all books in the series must be read in order to completion, regardless of the quality of the previous books in the series.

There are very few books for which I have broken any of these rules. And generally, the rules have brought more pleasure than pain. I developed these rules without really consciously doing so after I started to read To Kill a Mockingbird and giving up on it in about the 7th grade. It came around again in 10th grade, and I thought, ugh! I hated this book! But I dutifully read the book with the rest of the class....and surprise of all surprises! I fell in love with it! I loved Scout and Boo Radley and all of the characters! But more than anything, I fell in love with Atticus! And I realized that I had missed out on a wonderful story and great characters just because the first few chapters were slow! And I've only quit on 2 books in the 14+ years since. (In case you are curious, those 2 books are Crime and Punishment and The Once and Future King, both of which I hope to be able to finish on audio book)

Okay, so I've digressed quite a bit...partly because background information can be important...and partly because the things I lately I've felt an inability to connect to the things that I love...I've felt rather empty the last few day...but even when I feel empty...I love books. And right now...it feels good to love something...to be passionate about it without a sick feeling in my stomach. So I've indulged myself and gone on and on and on about books...

...now to the real point...

A while ago I started the Left Behind series. The first few books were really great but it quickly began to drag. I pressed on, though....because I have rules, standards, gosh darn it! I pushed through all 12 books.

The last book is about Christ's return to the Earth to reign. In the book, Christ speaks to the mind of each individual....as if He knows them individually....as if He is concerned with each of their individual concerns. As a Christian, I've always known this and believed it....that Christ loves each person on the earth....that we have individual worth because He believes we do....that we are children of a King and are not just His subjects, but His family.

I know these things intellectually and freely believe them about other people. So why was I having such a hard time swallowing the book's portrayal of it? Why did this part of the story make me so uncomfortable?

And suddenly, I realized what my problem was. I didn't believe that it applied to me. I have no problem believing it in regards to other people....but I didn't have a testimony that God loves ME individually. I didn't have a testimony that I have individual worth. I didn't believe that He died for me...I believe He lived and died and lived again.....but I think He did it for someone else....I still struggle with this.

A little while later, I was at a Women's Conference. They showed a video made by women in the area. It was amazing and beautiful. But one woman in particular got to me. She told her story of how when she was pregnant with her 4th child, she started having seizures. No one knew why. After having the baby, she continued to have seizures, and still, some of the best doctors in the world had no idea why. She wasn't able to drive or take her kids anywhere without help. She couldn't risk long flights of stairs or to hold her baby without sitting on the floor. She woke up one morning and said a prayer in her mind. "Heavenly Father....I just can't do it today. I just don't have the strength. I just can't do it today." And then the doorbell rang. Standing on the doorstep was a person from the neighborhood. They didn't know each other very well, just casually. But this person said to her, "Hi! I was wondering if I could play with your kids today? I just felt like that's what I should spend my day doing!"

And again, the thought came into my mind, that wouldn't happen to me. God doesn't love me that way.

It's a surprising thing to realize that you don't believe in love in your life. But it makes sense. It explains so much of my life...how I've felt or reacted to things. I thought it again the other day, as I laid in bed....sad....feeling so alone...."I wish God loved me that way. I could really use it today."

I was reading here. And a few things stuck out to me.

President Thomas S. Monson taught, “Again, my brothers and sisters, our Heavenly Father is aware of our needs and will help us as we call upon Him for assistance. I believe that no concern of ours is too small or insignificant. The Lord is in the details of our lives” (“Consider the Blessings,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2012, 88).

God is in the detail of our lives. I thought about all of the ways I have been blessed. I have been abundantly blessed. I have been blessed as I followed the commandments of my God, and I have been blessed in the low points of my life.

When I was a child, I really connected with the Footprints poem. I know it's cheesy....but it touched me when I was young. I loved the idea that someday I would look back at my life and see all of the low points where I was carried by the Lord. The truth of the matter is that we need low points in our lives to learn to let Him carry us. And I'm not good at letting people carry me. And despite all of that...I have been carried....I have been loved...my strength is not my own...and I need to learn to let my gratitude overcome my fears and sorrows.

 In spite of our efforts, there may be times when we feel alone and that God is not hearing our pleas. However, He is there blessing us even when things may appear hopeless. The Lord has promised that He will never abandon us. “But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not...O house of Israel. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me”  (1 Nephi 21:14–16).

I need to have more faith in His love...even when I feel alone, He knows me. He sees me. He desires to wipe away my tears and give me of His love. For me, I could see His hand as I read of people who have gone through this before who have taken the time to write about their experiences and publish it online. I realized what a great blessing that has been for me. I don't know if anyone else will ever read what I am writing now, today or tomorrow or in the future....but I hope that if they do....I hope they know that they can always have a friend in me. Please reach out. Because I know that God loves you....and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

After reading through that particular web page, I again sat down at my piano...that place that has always been my catharsis...I opened up my hymnal and started to play LDS Hymn #166....and I understood the words deeper than I ever had before...

"Abide with me! Fast falls the eventide; The darkness deepens, Lord, with me abide! When other helpers fail and comfort flee, help of the helpless, oh, abide with me!

"Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day. Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away. Change and decay in all around I see; O thou who changest not, abide with me!

The author's plea was my plea! I felt like I was being consumed by the darkness, begging God to hear me and to save me! I felt alone and helpless. I felt sad, unable to find joy in anything. I felt like all of the good in the world had collapsed and eroded. And amid it all, I had the constant plea in my heart for God to hold me in His arms.

"I need thy presence every passing hour. What but thy grace can foil the tempters power? Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be? Thru cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me!" 

I think my biggest problem, though, is the problem of so many others...I turn to God more often when I am suffering than when I am doing well. But I need Him "thru cloud AND sunshine." I need to allow God to "be in the details" of my life.


Last night, my husband came back up to sleep in our room once again. I don't want to punish him. I do forgive him. I forgive him....but I'm still afraid of what our future holds. I had nightmares again...not about him directly this time....not about pornography or infidelity....I had nightmares about rats and other things. Freud would probably say its related. I think its related somehow, too. I don't know how long the nightmares will last. I don't know how to make them stop. I don't know how to assuage my fears. I don't know how to increase my faith or to make things better.

My husband says that nothing has changed....that everything that has happened before this was real. But everything feels different. And maybe that's a good thing. Because things need to be different. We need to be different. Because we need to be the couple that beats this. Things can't stay the same.  I need to have hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is the sky and not a train.