The Letter; Part 1

I don't want to reveal too much about myself or my family on the remote chance that someone I know stumbles in here and finds out our secret. On the one hand, I feel a sense of duty to protect my husband because he doesn't need to be judged publicly for his sins when the truth is that we have *all* sinned at some point and in one way or another. On the other hand, I don't want to be judged for my feelings or my husband's sins. I think those are good reasons to stay somewhat anonymous.

But I am discussing my life and my emotions and my reactions to what happens. Inevitably, some details are going to come out here and there. I just hope that I am careful enough, that I can space out the details enough that someone doesn't connect the dots.

....not that I have any false expectations about millions of followers or even 1 person ever reading this. I don't. I actually assume that no one but myself will ever see these pages. And I'm okay with that. I need a place to organize my thoughts. And I need something to track my progress....or else the dark days will seem infinitely dark and demoralizing. I know that someday I will need to be able to look back on these and see that I've come a long way. And I need to keep this so that I can maintain empathy....so that the next person who comes to me when they find out their husband has a pornography problem, I can remember how painful that moment was and act accordingly.

Okay....those are enough of the disclaimers for now. On to the real substance.

In my neighborhood there is a woman named Shondell Knowlton. She is a respected expert on the effects of pornography on the family and the marriage and works with couples who are struggling with issues as a result of pornography abuse and addiction. She has spoken about this issue a number of times in various church meetings, and each time she discusses the issue she passes out a letter that she wrote from a hypothetical wife to her hypothetical porn addict husband. She originally wrote the letter to send to various male church leaders to emphasize the seriousness of this issue and to provide some perspective for them when dealing with individuals and couples who deal with the issue.

I think this letter is useful for a variety of reasons, so I am going to copy it here.

Dear Husband,

It makes me really sad to have to write this letter, but I don't know a better way to express the things in my heart. I have learned that pornography is an issue in our lives. In studying this issue I have also learned that you don't mean for me to take this personally, that this has nothing to do with me. You tell yourself that this has nothing to do with our relationship, and this is a victimless, harmless behavior. I want you to know about the feelings I struggle with because of your participation in pornography.

I love you; I love our family. I hope that you don't mean for me to take this personally, but I can't help the fact that I do. It hurts. It hurts so much that sometime it's hard to breathe. It makes me feel old, ugly and fat. It makes me feel ashamed of my body when I want to be intimate with you. It makes me doubt myself and my worth. It makes me wonder in what other ways you think I am not good enough. It makes me wonder if you are thinking about someone else when we make love. I wonder if you stay with me for the spiritual connection, or for public image while you want something else sexually. I am very confused. I am unsure of what you want from me and what you want from our relationship.

I wonder if there have been other secret areas of your life. I wonder if I really know you. Even though you don't think this has anything to do with me, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I look at other women and envy them. I wonder how they are better than me and how they kept their husbands faithful. I understand that your perception of this problem is different than mine but I feel like this is a form of infidelity. I feel betrayed, hurt, and a lack of trust.

Even though I didn't know exactly what was happening, and in spite of your best efforts you need to know that your behavior with me and our family has changed. You have become more impatient, critical, and cynical. This is not the best of who you are. We love you and want you fully back in our lives, without the pornography.

I know I need to forgive. I love you. I hope that we can get past this. I understand that this behavior can be very addictive. It is likely that you will need spiritual and professional help in changing this behavior. I will educate myself and be supportive of your efforts to change but it must change. I am feeling so anxious about this. Please talk to me. I want to know your feelings. I want to help us get this in the past and keep it there. I love you always.

Your wife.